My relationship with Bluetooth, My Wife and mask.

“Don’t eat that Himalayan Salt Lamp”,I pleaded in desperation,exasperation with pulses of perspiration.Just like my bluetooth device,she simply refused to respond.Just another normal day in my life where my wife felt like eating salt lamp will save her time and energy to get up from bed.The Ingenious oriental Salt lamp,normal day and my wonderful wife. Readers of the day,fellow non-relatables and my vigilant secret judges,let me take you in my weird world filled with pockets of idiosyncrasies,misadventure and occasional normalcy.

3 things have always given me perplexing paranoia:dealing with my bluetooth head-set, wearing a mask in Mumbai and conversations with my wonderful wife.Yes,even I was surprised by how similar these 3 are in my life.My Eureka moment came in the year 2020 when I decided to buy a bluetooth device,get married and then oh! the pandemic happened and I had to wear a mask to go to work in this wonderful humid mood of my city.2020 continues to surprise me but not comparable to my wife`s antics like gaining immunity from eating salt lamp.Another beautiful thing about my salt lamp is not only the fact that it is my wife`s favorite breakfast but it is originally mined from a place in Pakistan. Interestingly, it was bought to bring peace in my room but now it is melting into pieces.

Mask is one of the most revolutionary movement that has happened,not only does it stop my breathing just like my wife, it also makes my ear grow if I put it on for long.And just like my wife and my government,mask doesn`t allow me to speak freely and people say its safe to wear mask(not sure about getting married). Even I am baffled by the similarity that cropped up everytime I think about mask, bluetooth and my beautiful wife.

Marriage is like bluetooth device,looks fancy from outside but as time expands,you realise it takes lots of efforts to make it work and sometimes not so funny thing is,you lose your vibrant voice as I did when I bought this bewilderingly confusing bluetooth headset after consulting my expert wife.I admire your bravery if you have ever got married and then bought bewildering bluetooth headset and spoken loudly.

On taking a harder look,I did manage to find some defining differences though.Unlike bluetooth device that only works within 10-12 m distance,staying miles away from your wife helps a ton.Yes,mask does support you and bluetooth helps you connect but when weather turns strange and connection falters,your level of comfort falls back to panicky comical state.Just like in marriage

Everytime,I wear a mask,talk to my wife and play around with my faltering bluetooth,I am reminded of this inspiring quote:”what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger” and I keep going strong with my 3 marvelous musketeers.

Another normal day in my life,as I look grimly at my non-functional himalayan salt lamp, half eaten lavishly by my better half,melting away slowly as is my hope for another peaceful day.

Pandemic has drastically changed the world,men & women moving around in mask and I am still searching for a perfect one.Oh No,not woman! a perfect mask .After doing extensive research on google:I decided to buy valve type mask in bulk:the day it arrived, government declared it illegal(just like 500 rupees notes).Just like my bluetooth headset and my wife`s mindset,I fail to understand such tragical comical unpredictable turn of events.Yet,another day vanishes,I happily plug in my bluetooth,put on my valve -less mask and fearlessly move out to catch a breath.

Just when it seemed things were returning to normalcy,my bluetooth device again refuse to connect,mask turned sweaty and watching my wonderful wife smile made me fear for the worst.

“Did you eat that Salt lamp again,I enquired politely

“No,I was suddenly curious to try gardening,went to balcony to stretch my hands and plant a new sapling when my unaware hand pushed an innocent flower pot down to the earth” she replied without an air of regret.

And the adventure continues,sapling was planted back on terrace and I tried my luck again with bluetooth device, my misty mask and my wonderful wife.

*hear a loud noise

“Did you drop that salt lamp ?”,I rambled with terror in my eyes.

Two pillars of my life

Younger one a bit shy,elder one never afraid to try

My powerful pillars,we laugh,love and fight

Each one is stubborn in their own way

Yet ready to accept differences in their stride

While younger one is artistic,eccentric and silent

Elder one is boisterous,bold and ambitious

Both are like violet and red end of spectrum

Rare,delightful and precious

Living life in their own style

Defining their uniquely understood meaning

Younger one expresses with gestures while

Elder one is blunt with words

Yet both flying high in the sky,like a magnificent marvellous birds

Younger one is nearby,while elder one away

I miss our trips together,those frivolous fights

Icecream delights,deliberating wrongs and rights

May this continuum of love,arguments and adventure

Keep us together in every trials and tribulation

For what is life,without a brother and sister’s unbridled celebration

What happens when it rains gems.

Oh! What a majestically looking surreal sky

Falling gems is a pleasant perplexing surprise

Yet we fail to fathom inherent vice

When it falls on the head of my little princess

She picks it and plucks it to her cute shiny dress

Traders simply settle it to evade cess

My moody Maria wife ain’t impress

She wishes to eat all those falling pearls

I have no clue,why she suddenly swirls

My sister is decorating them to her bizarre bag

My father is skeptic of this unexpected downpour

My mother is frantically furious, a massive uproar

My neighbour runs in with basket,bullishness and boys

As if collecting gems is her only vocation of choice

Random uncles lose their restraint and poise

Suddenly these gems seem more valuable than Rolls Royce

Oh!what a strange funny scene,extraordinary,unseen

Everyone is running crazy from old to middle to teen

For me,it’s magical,hilarious and absurd to witness this glorious scene

Gangs of Belapur Season 2

I put on my stylish black non-threatening wildcraft mask,tie my seemingly strong super slippery shoelaces as I simultaneously struggle with my half broken glasses.I look a different animal in this pandemic.Infact everyone is an unrecognizable beast this year.2020 has woken,shaken and taken heart,soul and freedom of every being.Even the most cutest of soul looks threatening with a mask.Now,You understand why criminals and super heroes wore mask,it does set you apart and instills an air of uncertainty around you.Nowadays,My fear of dying of suffocation due to mask is more than fear of virus.I have changed my mask a gazillion times yet each one disappoints me in a rather special manner.Just like relationship these days,mask only stick around for few days that too if the weather is not too sweaty.

Carrying my eternal idiosyncratic mind with my gritty blue bag,I strode ahead, looking forward to another intense bout of insanity waiting to be showered upon me in my beloved arena.I catch my bus after making some path breaking conversation with Sardar Ji(Bus driver who sings and eats Parle G(Staple biscuit of India) while driving on surprisingly silent roads these days).

“Just bring that bus to nearby circle,Sector X”,My voice is making an unsuccessful attempt to be assertive yet this time it surprisingly works.

“I will check the barricades and tell you”, Sardar Ji replied in a jovial tone.Sardar Ji is a nice person just that he doesn`t get what I say.Anyways,nobody understands what I say.I accept my frivolous funny fate when I see my essential services bus racing towards me.9 minutes on this zombie looking street and my black panther mask is already making me feel asphyxiated and ennerved (if that actually is a word,even Shakespeare created some stupid words,I believe,my chance has arrived or is it,anyways my idiosyncrasy will go on).I put on my loyal headphone and open my last unread audiobook “how to make art by Leo Tolstoy”.As wisdom enters my vulnerable wild mind,I simultaneously think about vaccine,Relativity and enlightenment.

I reach the main Gate of my enterprising eccentric Arena.AK-47 detecting machine was as usual in OFF condition.I greet energetic smiling sheepish Security man:Yadav.Yadav has unseen superpower,I was stunned when Yadav asked me to open my gritty blue bag and without taking a glance inside,knows it is safe.He allows me inside after a rather strange inspection of my courageous bag.It started pouring as I made my way towards my boxing zone.I am surprisingly greeted by Kaashi on the way.

Kaashi is our coolest gang member,always donning a black bold goggle and a funky monkey mask with a non-sense serene expression on his face.He speaks only 2-4 words in a day yet resolves the most tricky problems without breaking a sweat.A change in expression on his face is as rare as Halley`s comet.Today must be something special,I wondered as I saw his rare smile hidden beneath his mystic mask.On my way I meet another unique soul:Mr.WittyHat.As he walks past me,he unconsciously sprinkles precious drops of wisdom on my impressionable spirit.

As I walk past dilapidated walls of my bewilderingly bleak building,I am greeted by Boisterous BodyBuilder. BodyBuilder always has an advice on how to raise your testosterone levels,amass black money and build dynasties.I am greeted again on my way to my cabin, by Affabble innocent Nana,who is genuinely heartbroken after I stopped buying tea from him(post corona decision).I finally settle down in my British era built chair when privy phone rang.

“We need Fireman in Arena X”

I take a deep breathe(an activity too crucial to miss out,essential for survival in my crazy witty world),drink my indigenously prepared pulpy protein shake and look with amusement at another day of mindless running and convincing folks to finally use their advanced pre-fontal cortex.

I barely took a sip from my bottle when a series of uninvited invasion in my room(despite Warning sign attached on my door) stunned me.Contractor Sincere is ever ready to get permit for me before I even swap my suave shirt and Classy Joggers with Orange Jail Costume.I know,I must respect my work attire,I would have only if the greedy contractor would have chosen a different color(even grey or black was fine but Orange does feel like I have been enslaved).I call my team member AngryBuddha.AngryBuddha is a mystical character with myriad shades to his personality.I try my best to lighten him up without much success.I must learn to be funny or firm or plain stupid any other trait won`t work in my arena.

After giving series of unconvincing permits to ever notorious contractors,I head towards my pilot project location.My driver:Muddu is still trying his level best to learn English.

“Where we go sir?” He enquired in an amusing tone

“Pilot Project”

“Why do we light flare in our Arena”

After hearing quite a potent technical question from Muddu,I was taken aback and amused.I wanted to say,mate it`s a sign that War is still ON.Yet,I didn`t want my satirical mind to ruin his honest query.

“When there is excess pressure,we have built an efficient system to release”

I wonder,why we still haven`t built an efficient pressure release system for humans.I reach my pilot plant with this tricky thought.I was surprised to see SameShirt walking in a T-Shirt(This was 1st time since last 3 months,that he has changed his shirt).

” Innocuous In-charge is still not on site”

“He is coming with Capitalletter soon”

This project has characters that can match even the toughest gangs of any place on Earth.If you want to learn art of passive aggression without effective work,this is the place to be-My ARena.

I was beginning to lose Hope when I saw my superhero Sappy coming with a blazing step towards the Arena.Sappy always has adrenaline rush around him and he was eager for another dopamine shot by some unseen heroics.As I gazed on the otherside,he had already bought a Cacophanous Crane and few fiery workers to start a mega project.

“What are you upto,Sappy?”

“We will change this pipeline,thickness has come down drastically”

I wish I could change the prefontal cortex of my team members,their thickness must have reduced phenominally by daily delirious acts of sustained stupidity.

As I sun was beginning to set,my hope rose by seeing Innocuous In-charge walk towards the arena with a paper and smile.

Everyday here is an example in notoriety,insane eccentricity with flashes of heroism to somehow save the day.I opened my gritty blue bag to sip in some water.It had been an another swashbuckling silly suave day at the office.

Until Next time,Wear Mask,Use your brain and Drink sanitiser.