A Joke called Job

At my Workplace: I feel like Greta: Angry, mysterious, activist and a time traveler

‘It was the best of times, It was the worst of times’ said Dickens in not so recent history .As I step outside my black bold archaic gate into this vociferous vulnerable vile environment. Everyday is a battle, yet my longing heart hopelessly searches for another novel breeze but all I see is gloomy glorified mask covered caricatures. I feel I am playing a video game just this time, Mario in me ain’t that brave as the Nintendo one nor I can jump in those crazy clergy bounds.

I watch Lala as he gives a wry smile from his half covered napkin turned mask. Then as I approach a recently converted Covid hospital on my way, an uninterested watchman reads inevitably depressing news on his borrowed brown paper. Yet, he felt content to be alive.May be, we all are. Even this girl who just went past me in her Hercules cycle wearing a designer dock mask. Strange times calls for better luck but I usually get any as I stumble upon 67 years old wrinkle faced uncle on my way to battleground.
“Hello, Uncle”, I greet him in not so spontaneous manner
“Can you give this medical bill in office” he asks in not that polite demeanor.

Then,without giving any clear warnings,he went about complaining on how he doesnt approve of his son’s second marriage and how he cannot afford to waste a rupee on taking printouts.I listened with patience and at the same time prayed in silence that my bus driver shows up his schumacher skills and reaches my place in no time.Time is such a funny thing yet extremely painful at times.I looked at that tame figure and wondered what life he must have lived.

They say “real character of a man is determined by how he behaves with older people”, but trust me or just face him. It hasn’t been easy at all and he usually meets me at this time to narrate his usual adventures of saving every penny and straightening up his gangster son.

Beeep,Beeep.Oh that sound felt like symphony to my ears.My Bold Bus driver Rajkumar,arrived 2 minuted early today.I greet him with a sense of relief on my face like a prisoner who has been released on bail for a crime he has no clue of.

As I make another unsuccessful attempt to take a peaceful nap,I hear a not so poignant apoetic voice reverberating in my soul.Do employees don’t understand public behavior,the man behind seems to have lost his last cell of sanity and is mindlessly breaking my head with his virgin vain voice.

He seems to be throwing barrage of not so beautiful words to an unlucky one on the other side.I can’t even say anything to Bapu.

I remember old times,when I tried to bring some sense to his madness,he almost ran a bus over and then threatened with a stick.But still as Brutus says,Bapu ji is an honorable man and I,an ignorant fool.

After surviving his bullets of words,I managed to find some solace in my playlist.

I inevitably reached the gate of Fortune unfortunate company.

Bewildered half sleeping belly show stopper,my precious Security man makes an unsuccessful attempt to check my temperature from a device that always shows the same value.As I sense my storky surroundings filled with air of ignorance,insanity and intolerance,I bravely cross the border.

Sappy:Hello sir,Today I saw a snake shed his skin and walk away.

Me(in not so surprised tone):Was it in our lpg unit?

After what has happened in my LPG unit over past few weeks, a snake shedding his skin seemed like any other frivolous and funny event.

I carefully walk to avoid alligators and snake,but I know I will inevitable meet one,once I reach office.

Note:All reference to any creature does intend to hurt both man and the creature.

I almost trip over a well placed rusted grating on my way to my darling den.

I see kaka bringing tea in his usual amicable demeanor. I smile, he smiles and we walk past each other. There are many smile relationships I have developed in my life and I totally love it as I need not speak and there is no conflict.Sometimes,I feel,language has created more problems than it has solved and man has created language.

I sit on my half broken chair and stare curiously at the pyramid of non essential documents.I drink my super immune fluid and smile at the eternal idiosyncrasies of my space.I almost complete a breathe to see Rocky waiting with half torn white paper in his hand.

Rocky:Sir,I have to get sign for the work.

Me:But We don’t have fireman today.

Rocky(in shameless tone):We will do it with utmost safety sir.

Rocky shows no sign of remorse in uttering these syllables. Rocky’s Team specializes in creating glorious Diwali lights scene whenever they undertake any welding job. To listen safety from this innocent evil`s mouth was an insult to the man/woman or whosever created this term.

As Rocky leaves,Prasad enters.There are more memes on Prasad than Donald Trump. Dull Damaged Bathroom Slippers reflects his commitment to minimalism, mockery and stupidity.

Me:You Stay out,I will meet you in the field.

Prasad:Sir,I need a sign

This surely wasn’t a good sign.This work,these characters and on top of that we have Prasad. A Proud Maratha who plays more with welding torch light than a mighty Sword.But then his work kills my Soul.I reminded him again after taking few voluntary breathes.

In unabashed glittering suit, enters our Chhota Don:Chintu.I wish, I could play some music or drums to welcome this infamous man. But then, his usual unabashed voice aren`t music to my sensitive ears.

Chintu:I need a Crane Permit

Me(in a suspicious tone):What did you do last time you had one? You remember right?

I simply cant forget how poetically he broke the nozzle of an exchanger on a scorching Sunday Noon and vanished in polluted air when called to custody.

Me(in an affirmative tone):I will talk to Transport and Wear a N95 next time you enter.

I get up to change my costume from mysterious casual attire to Communal Orange Boiler Dirt Suit. I skip few breathes to check on my lungs, gulp my antibody shake and raise my brow only to witness another imminent disaster.

An Army of barely uncovered unmasked men waiting with permits in their filthy hand.

I politely request them to assert themselves one by one towards the podium. This is a Race I do not want to see.

Before this even begins ,I get another call from Big Boss.

Big Boss: Did the unit start? Coordinate and do it.

I simply have utmost honest hate towards this word: Coordinate. It is such an overused delusional concept just like efficiency or society or Democracy.

Me(frivolous attempt to act serious):Yes sir,I will.

Now, begins another circus of finding rare ravines in my workplace who may be willing to help me with this task. Or in other words :Coordinate.

A journey of million idiosyncrasies begins with a harmless one.

So it started: A Joke Called Job.

Adios!!

Resonance, Reality and Reflection

Resonant Frequencies Chapter X:

“This is vibrating like Hell, we may fall off anytime”, I said with terror in my bewildered eyes.

“Yeah, if it matches our resonant frequency” said Abhinav in a cool callous demeanor.

This idea stemmed from a shaky start ,we both were stuck at a working platform vibrating at frequencies faster than our heart beat. An idea that how we are instantly attracted to some people and hope others simply vanish in front of our eyes is worth examining. Is there any meaningful relationship between connection and frequencies.

I wish there was a mathematical equation that defined who will get connected to whom. We live in a non-Hogwartian world and we know most folks we meet on the road fall out of frequency with us. Yet, there are few that instantly get connected. Can we increase the connection frequency or simply rule out out of zone personalities? Can we expand our personality so that we can connect with more than few? These questions always put me in perpetual dilemma about what is true connection? Is getting a resonant frequency just coincidental or can this be achieved by directional effort?

Yet, how can we connect with everyone with same frequency. There are over 7 billion distinct maniacs unlike us, floating in this vast expanse of delusion and desire. I wish, I can create an App, that instantly tells your level of connection with fellow being. Yet, in this seemingly ordered sane world, we find ourselves lost in this battle of finding perfect frequency people(pfp).

I look outside and see a man teaching morse code to a dog.May be,that`s an interesting man I can connect with or may be I am going out of range in terms of my sane frequency. I walk further and see a girl taking a short break from her cycling and with a smile on her face rejoicing the moment with her fellow sapien about how playing with children was refreshing. Another case of interesting being yet I still can`t find relevant frequency to connect.

I look further and find a crazy man mumbling to himself, I look no further. I sit down in a nearby park and scribble down my dumb idea of connecting people with equations. I look for an equation that can be applied to everyone from: The king to a beggar from the sane to insane from boring to super-boring. After hours of brainstorming and frustration, came my eureka moment. That golden equation to connect people with numbers. Hold your breath, vodka or ego or whatever you are clutching onto. Check if you have corona, laugh at your neighbor and then scroll down the page.

Mighty equation that will shake this world:

Frequency of connect(Fc) =comfortable silence in minutes*mutual love and hatred*same sense of humor*curiosity in related subjects * honesty in conversation.*pure randomness

Out of 7 tricky terms, honesty in conversation is the most important one. Look for this sign, whenever you are finding your resonance. If you find this, then look for curiosity part then go for sense of humor then…I hope you get it. Weightage of this mighty equation increases with each term. Except the last one: pure randomness-It just happens.

Good luck on finding perfect resonant matches in your life. Until then keep exploring muggles, maniacs and jugheads and do not forget to apply Frequency of Connect equation next time, you say ‘Hi’ to someone.

Gangs of Belapur

Scene 1:In the Post Corona era,everyone looks a goon with a mask,some cute,others threatening and wild,while most strange and lost.It’s a weird new world that has led to evolution of already notorious eccentric characters in my land.

Sappy was just over five feet with an innocent illuminating face donning a green mask.Yet looking at his eyes,you could see he had the eyes of the tiger,spirit of a champion and was here to rule.Sappy had that affable yet powerful aura that shone bright in this unforgiving summer in Belapur. He was the leader of diligent goon squad.

Wearing a full cover mask with a fancy goggle enters our local dude goon,Kaashi. Guy is tall,dark and handsome yet full of poise,presence and serenity.He only works in emergency,a no non-sense guy who otherwise maintains a low profile.

I am greeted by Sappy`s benevolent smile.When I first joined the arena,even I was mistaken by his innocent smile,affable persona and boyish appearance.After witnessing few of his heroic deeds,I am in awe of his raw,ravenous and fearless personality.I refer to him as Tiger Goon,always on the move,hunting for a new leakage in our arena.

Then comes Chintu,small in size but always full of overflowing nonsensical gesture. Chintu possesses grit without concrete knowledge(common characteristics of his mini gang).Last night,there was a gas leakage at our arena and I,along with Sappy and Kaashi were called upon to handle the situation

Me(in polite tone to Sappy):Can we depressurise this pipeline?

Sappy(in super confident tone):Sir,Lords blessings are there,we shall do it.Let us first ensure that all valves are closed( For non technical folks:valve is a device that controls the flow in pipelines).

Me:Cool,lets go along.

Scene 2:In scorching heat and unforgiving mercaptan(chemical whose smell lingers with you for multiple lifetimes) smell,our diligent gang set out to arrest the stubborn leakage.

Sappy along with kaashi and his junior Nani,were walking along the pipelines as if there was a war on the other side of the arena.Purpose was to find a way to isolate the pipeline.Sappy was using every cell of his prefontal cortex to devise a plan to do this seemingly formidable task.Kaashi was as usual cool donning dark shades and carefully examining the arena.Suddenly,Kaashi starts sprinting for no reason.I look around for any danger and then follow him with both curiosity and fear.He saw a giant lizard sprawling around this bizarre broken arena.

Sappy(in strange tone):Did you see that thing?

Me(in urgent tone):We have an urgent leakage to attend.We can`t lose time,playing man v/s wild here.

Sappy signalled to Nani to bring 3 m long hose pipe.Thus,began our crazy rescue operation.It is far easier to learn quantum physics than to find a way to isolate lines in our arena.I ordered notorious Chintu to bring materials for fixing up pipe connection.Circus had already begun with Cool Kashi crossing crazy crevis filled pipelines with a spanner in his hand with an ease that is only seen when Roger Federer serves Forehand on court.

Nani brought the flexible pipe and some hope with it as sun shone as bright as confidence reflected on Sappy`s face.

Our Big Boss:Einstein,called to know the status.Just like Einstein,most of our gang members go numb,start floating in air or refuse to breathe for few seconds as he floats a genius idea in our innocent impressionable minds.This one`s hair is not as frizzy as Einstein yet his mind seems to be more complicated than our great scientist.Einstein encourages us to try arresting the leakage by making some provision to depressurise the line.Mere mortals as we are,we set upon this risky yet ridiculous task,as I come out of my momentary coma state(state I usually experience when I receive genius advise from Einstein).

I sat alone in the scorching heat,thinking of another idiotic strategy to solve this magnificent problem.Sappy said,he will take a break to drink coconut water.Sappy is an expert in climbing trees and on our minds(if you let it rumble free).How on earth does this petite figure gain incredible energy to climb coconut trees and bring us sweetest coconut water to drink,is unimaginable.Sappy is on drugs,I assume or he is a special spirit.As I further deepen my imagination,Kaashi and Nani vanish,as if in this polluted mercaptan filled air.I begin search operation by contacting them on walkie-talkie.Walkie-Talkie is a strange communication device,where you always end up talking to yourself because you rarely find the person you want to communicate to,on the other side.It`s far easier to track Dawood Ibrahim than to know whereabouts of our notorious gang members.

Alas,I finally found them.We began our never ending task of depressurising this rather stubborn line.It seems,God is filling it up every time we empty it.To lighten already comical scenario in our quasy arena,I strike up a conversation with fire man.fire man is someone who is supposed to be alert and active and put off fire to save us.This one seemed the most carefree,partially enlightened guy.

Pardon me for using this format for writing conversation.I will change it in my next story.

Scene 3:

Fireman:sit for a while,let`s enjoy the air,the day is long

Me(frantically):Day is long but our tender lives can be short if we dont act now.Already half a day has passed and leakage is still not arrested.

Fireman(in calm tone):Whatever has to happen,will happen.Why worry mate.

Fireman seems a big fan of Murphy.He has already accepted his fate,he has no fire left in his already protruding ballooning belly.

Sappy to me seems the only real hope in this comical tragical situation.I turn to him to resolve this problem.

Sappy(in perpetual confident tone):Don`t Worry Sir,Lord`s Blessings are with us.We shall conquer this.

In him at that moment,I could simultaneously see Russell Crowe(In Gladiator) and Tom Hanks(in Forest Gump),Always ready to fight and run.Kaashi quietly went about his task to fix the clamp on the pipeline.

By manual intervention of adjacent irritating neighbourhood pipe(lines are so close,I am really curious to find out who designed this system,must have been a super optimistic or total nut guy to have faith in this vulnerable arena).

Kaashi and Nani suddenly changed their Avatar and donned on dedication cap to somehow arrest this ever flowing divine gas.

As flow in the line reduced,my hope rose like a phoenix and in my mind,I repeated cliche Obama statement:Yes,We can.And we did.Even I was taken aback,part amused by the turn of the events.

Sappy celebrated the victory by climbing another coconut tree.Kaashi removed his glasses and helmet to set himself free.I along with Nani sat beside the nearby Mango tree.

Another astonishing day ended in the arena.Characters in our arena always keep it alive,arduous and light.

Until Next time,Sleep well,drink coconut water and Wear mask.

Confessions of a government employee

Please note: All characters in this story are fictitious and any resemblance to real life is purely coincidental

Day 1, Scene 1: Entering the main gate of a Fortune 500 company(Former)

Me: Where is the HR office?

Weirdstoner(Security folk)[in a rude way]: who do you want to meet?

Me(far too polite tone): Mr. Arrogant Sir(Name of the HR guy), I am a new joinee

Weirdstoner: Let me check your papers first

Me(obedient tone): Okay,sure

After 30 minutes of interrogation, he allowed me inside the gate.

Scene 2: Inside the admin building

Me: Where is Mr.Arrogant`s office?

Another stoner: Are you new?He may not have arrived yet.You can wait in the other room(showed me the direction)

Me: Thank you

In that room, I met few more terrified souls like me waiting for the joining formalities, rather waiting for Mr. Arrogant

Fearfulguy(FG1): I have heard that most of the new guys get posted in field duty

FG2(In not so jovial mood): Yes he is right, I have even heard that canteen is really pathetic.

FG3(in an anxious tone): Have you got the document notarized?

Me(Breathing heavily): When will Mr. Arrogant arrive?

FG4: Don’t be too optimistic, this is a government office, it’s as silent as a cemetery till 11:30 am.

Me(Feeling disappointed): I always had this false image that human resource department is energetic, compassionate and super smart.

FG1(in a sarcastic tone): Not in Sarkari(Government) office bro.

We all introduced each other and shared our anxiety for 2 hours.Mr. Arrogant finally arrived at noon.

Weirdstonernew(Clerk): Who is Mr. Sincere(or stupid as they call such folks here)?Come with your papers.

Hearing my name, I quickly picked up my papers and ran towards his office

Mr.Arrogant: Sit Down

Me: Where? there is no chair?

Mr.Arrogant: Weirdstoner, get a chair from the other room

Me: It’s okay, I can stand

After asking me some weird details about myself, my hometown and education, He inaccurately filled in my bio data in the system.He didn’t even spare my name.

Me(in my mind): This project of giving job to land affected people is a total failure

After further stupid interrogations, he asked me to bring some more documents(which was not at all mentioned in the joining formality)

I said to myself: Welcome to government office(Now I can empathize with Pankaj Kapoor(Office Office-Hindi TV series))

Similar incidents occurred with my fellow colleagues, some were interrogated for their name, others for their language and various other weird stuff)

Finally, after a week of continuous torture by semi literate Mr.Arrogant, We were assigned our departments.

To my surprise, I was posted in field duty(I was the thinnest and youngest in the group)

Scene 3: In front of Department In charge`s Room

Me: May I come in sir?

Mr. Unpleasant(Not so polite tone): Yes

Mr. Unpleasant(in a coarse tone): Take a chair

Me: okay sir

Mr. Unpleasant: Are you a mechanical or chemical engineer?

Me(in a nervous tone): Mechanical Engineer

Mr. Unpleasant(false ego boosting question): Have you seen compressors and pump in real?

Me(nervously): only models (We all know the Indian engineering scenario)

Mr. Unpleasant(in a cunning tone): Do you know this plant is unsafe and you could die here

Me( in a nervous tone): No, Ah yes, I mean we need to work carefully

Mr. Unpleasant: Any previous experience?

Me(confidently): I used to design sub sea pipelines in my previous organization

Mr. Unpleasant(sarcastic tone): So you know a lot about this industry.

After grilling me for 3 more hours he allowed to have subsidized lunch in the canteen(Which was of course woeful).

Scene 4: After Lunch, again entered the danger room of that old unpleasant guy(In Charge of department)

Me: May I come in sir?

Mr. Unpleasant: Yes, sit down.I have some more questions for you and then we will visit the field.

Me: Okay sir

Mr. Unpleasant(in a devilish tone): Do you know how we design columns?

Me(in a nervous voice): No, sir

Mr. Unpleasant: Get a helmet from the ground floor.Let’s go to the field

Me(in a sincere tone): Okay, sir

Scene 5: Me (with Helmet) walking alongside Mr. Unpleasant

Some obnoxious smell was coming from the area we were heading to.

Me(in a polite tone): What is this smell, sir?

Mr. Unpleasant(In a sarcastic tone): Do you know what is the difference between yellow line and blue line(pipeline he was referring to)

Me(in my mind):[I had only heard those terms in a Delhi metro]: No, sir

Mr. Unpleasant: Come, let me show you something

Me: Okay, sir

We reached a place where the smell intensified and out of nowhere emerged a Young Man covered in Mud wearing a weird orange suit.He didn’t look too happy.

Mr. Unpleasant: Young Man, Tell him what is happening here?

Youngman: Unit has been shutdown for maintenance and we are cleaning columns and exchangers

Me(in my mind): Is this suppose to be the job of an engineer.An engineer is supposed to design, create, modify and solve problems.

Mr. Unpleasant(Proudly)[refering again to the smell]: This obnoxious smell can kill you if you inhale a certain concentration for few minutes.

Me(unapologetically): Why do we allow them to release in the atmosphere then?

Mr. Unpleasant(Not too impressed): Come back tomorrow morning, We will discuss in details

Me: But tomorrow is holiday sir

Mr. Unpleasant(Angrily): Did I tell you?

Me(apologetically): No sir

Thus began my funny, challenging yet adventurous journey in this field of oil and gas.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nobody is born a criminal

As Oscar Wilde once said”Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”

Inspired by famous comedian and social commentator George Carlin, I have compiled my own list of sapiens who deserve to die.Don’t get me wrong, I am a kind man and I love humans.But when certain species test you in ways beyond your limit, even a kind man is forced to turn into a serial killer.”Nobody is born a criminal”.So, Hold your breath, sit back and enjoy my list of sapiens who deserve to die.May be you can identify yourself in this.

These are species found in large number across all continents.Killing them could potentially solve perennial population problem and reduce irritability level to a minimum.Yes, I am talking about hashtag people.You can usually find them on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and twitter.Whether they are yawning, walking, sleeping, eating, traveling or even waiting for Boeing 747, the first thing they do is take an ugly photograph, add a million adjectives before and after hashtags, pretend to enjoy the moment (which has already passed )because they were busy building their hashtags.Their happiness increases with a number of likes on their hashtags.There should be an amendment in social media rules to ban folks who use a threshold number of hashtags.The government should start taxing them for extra hashtags.This will bring back peace and harmony in the society.

Next, there are species who lose their minds and senses when they start getting green dollars.Yes, I am talking about folks that intentionally increase their car speed to drench you in obnoxious mud on a rainy day. The darkest places in hell are reserved for these species.They are not in such a large amount as hashtag sapiens but still a significant number.Trust me, I am a kind person.

Next, There are those who drag you into a conversation and don’t leave you till eternity.These species are found all over the world.You just have to find a way to avoid them.But if you are unlucky and stupid like me, chances are that you would meet them on a regular basis.They will tell you every uninteresting rather obvious facts about themselves and their family.They don’t leave you till you find an ingenious or rather obvious excuse to escape.That’s when I think if humans could fly or become invisible, lots of problems of this world could be solved and this would be a peaceful haven.

Next, there are those who force you into watching TV series because they were bedazzled by it for some reason.”I almost stopped breathing after watching that scene, Don’t be a loser, start watching this bullshit.It is awesome”, said one of my stupid friend.I know it’s sort of harsh to kill these folks unless you have actually gone and spend 10-12 hours watching that series and felt awful.

Next, there are those who are obsessed with themselves.”I am alive, let’s click an ugly photo of my own self and hashtag it”.Yes, they are the most lethal species: narcissist with a hashtag.These special genes deserve the worst level of capital punishment.These species wander everywhere clicking their own photos.#selflove.

I don’t understand self-love, it’s a no brainer, of course, you love yourself that’s why you have not killed yourself(taken from Louis C.K stand up special, Sorry Louis but  I loved those lines).Love is something that you give to others.”I love myself” is total bullshit in my opinion(please don’t ban me Authors of self-love revolution)

Next, there are those who give you a million reasons to try the chocolate cake in Colaba or jump from a cliff in Himachal.Yes, these creatures are mostly seen over the internet telling you the exact number of ways you can use to magically transform your life.For these folks I have only one advice: find out a million ways to breathe or live life a certain way but keep it to yourself and test on yourself only.Do not mislead innocent people into believing that there are only finite number of ways to enjoy life.

Finally, there are some special species with really annoying behaviors.I call them pretentious dead walkers as they give you dead handshakes with a poker face look when they meet you in person (as if they are obliged to).There is only one message for them:”Stop pretending, Don’t do it if you don’t mean to”.

Let me remind you once again, I am a kind person but these species have turned me into a potential serial killer.Getting rid of them could potentially solve most of the world`s problems.Yes, even global warming(as hashtag species are in huge number).I have given you enough reasons.So enjoy and wish you a happy killing season.

Thank you