Nobody is born a criminal

As Oscar Wilde once said”Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”

Inspired by famous comedian and social commentator George Carlin, I have compiled my own list of sapiens who deserve to die.Don’t get me wrong, I am a kind man and I love humans.But when certain species test you in ways beyond your limit, even a kind man is forced to turn into a serial killer.”Nobody is born a criminal”.So, Hold your breath, sit back and enjoy my list of sapiens who deserve to die.May be you can identify yourself in this.

These are species found in large number across all continents.Killing them could potentially solve perennial population problem and reduce irritability level to a minimum.Yes, I am talking about hashtag people.You can usually find them on social media platforms like Facebook, Instagram, and twitter.Whether they are yawning, walking, sleeping, eating, traveling or even waiting for Boeing 747, the first thing they do is take an ugly photograph, add a million adjectives before and after hashtags, pretend to enjoy the moment (which has already passed )because they were busy building their hashtags.Their happiness increases with a number of likes on their hashtags.There should be an amendment in social media rules to ban folks who use a threshold number of hashtags.The government should start taxing them for extra hashtags.This will bring back peace and harmony in the society.

Next, there are species who lose their minds and senses when they start getting green dollars.Yes, I am talking about folks that intentionally increase their car speed to drench you in obnoxious mud on a rainy day. The darkest places in hell are reserved for these species.They are not in such a large amount as hashtag sapiens but still a significant number.Trust me, I am a kind person.

Next, There are those who drag you into a conversation and don’t leave you till eternity.These species are found all over the world.You just have to find a way to avoid them.But if you are unlucky and stupid like me, chances are that you would meet them on a regular basis.They will tell you every uninteresting rather obvious facts about themselves and their family.They don’t leave you till you find an ingenious or rather obvious excuse to escape.That’s when I think if humans could fly or become invisible, lots of problems of this world could be solved and this would be a peaceful haven.

Next, there are those who force you into watching TV series because they were bedazzled by it for some reason.”I almost stopped breathing after watching that scene, Don’t be a loser, start watching this bullshit.It is awesome”, said one of my stupid friend.I know it’s sort of harsh to kill these folks unless you have actually gone and spend 10-12 hours watching that series and felt awful.

Next, there are those who are obsessed with themselves.”I am alive, let’s click an ugly photo of my own self and hashtag it”.Yes, they are the most lethal species: narcissist with a hashtag.These special genes deserve the worst level of capital punishment.These species wander everywhere clicking their own photos.#selflove.

I don’t understand self-love, it’s a no brainer, of course, you love yourself that’s why you have not killed yourself(taken from Louis C.K stand up special, Sorry Louis but  I loved those lines).Love is something that you give to others.”I love myself” is total bullshit in my opinion(please don’t ban me Authors of self-love revolution)

Next, there are those who give you a million reasons to try the chocolate cake in Colaba or jump from a cliff in Himachal.Yes, these creatures are mostly seen over the internet telling you the exact number of ways you can use to magically transform your life.For these folks I have only one advice: find out a million ways to breathe or live life a certain way but keep it to yourself and test on yourself only.Do not mislead innocent people into believing that there are only finite number of ways to enjoy life.

Finally, there are some special species with really annoying behaviors.I call them pretentious dead walkers as they give you dead handshakes with a poker face look when they meet you in person (as if they are obliged to).There is only one message for them:”Stop pretending, Don’t do it if you don’t mean to”.

Let me remind you once again, I am a kind person but these species have turned me into a potential serial killer.Getting rid of them could potentially solve most of the world`s problems.Yes, even global warming(as hashtag species are in huge number).I have given you enough reasons.So enjoy and wish you a happy killing season.

Thank you

 

 

 

3 thoughts on “Nobody is born a criminal

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